pensando
pero no realmente pensando
sino siendo atropellado por
ideas
no fijas

¿dónde están las ideas fijas?
fíjense bien.
dos o tres acepciones.

creo que lo que mantiene unido
la estructura
las vigas
las piedras angulares
etc.
son
esas
palabras
necias
para
miradas
sordas.


así que
olvidándome
dándome el lujo de
el placer de

quiero
evocar
las
almas
vestidas
de
negro
que
nunca se
desvestirán para mí.
aventura negada
siempre
estaré encerrado en.

destino triste, idea fija.

no sé a qué páginas pertenecen estas palabras en mí vida.
todo se me ha traspapelado.
se me regó el libro por toda la habitación
y las páginas no están numeradas.

sí.
yo necesito el mito.
esta es mi manera de regresar
al lugar
del cual
jamás
me
he
ido.
todavía.
veinte años atrás
yo
apenas existía
de qué carajo estoy hablando entonces?


En este momento, creo, no me importa si me entienden o no (¿quién?)
traten, si quieren, de entender, si hay algo que entender, a D.H. Lawrence:

THE ELEFANT SLOW TO MATE


The elephant, the huge old beast,
is slow to mate;
he finds a female, they show no haste
they wait

for the sympathy in their vast shy hearts
slowly, slowly to rouse
as they loiter along the river-beds
and drink and browse

and dash in panic through the brake
of forest with the herd,
and sleep in massive silence, and wake
together, without a word.

So slowly the great hot elephant hearts
grow full of desire,
and the great beasts mate in secret at last,
hiding their fire.

Oldest they are and the wisest of beasts
so they know at last
how to wait for the loneliest of feasts
for the full repast.

They do not snatch, they do not tear;
their massive blood
moves as the moon-tides, near, more near,
till they touch in flood.

_____


WHY DOES SHE WEEP.



Hush then
why do you cry?
It's you and me
the same as before.

If you hear a rustle
it's only a rabbit
gone back to his hole
in a bustle.

If something stirs in the branches
overhead, it will be a squirrel moving
uneasily, disturbed by the stress
of our loving.

Why should you cry then?
Are you afraid of God
in the dark?

I'm not afraid of God.
Let him come forth.
If he is hiding in the cover
let him come forth.

Now in the cool of the day
it is we who walk in the trees
and call to God "Where art thou?"
And it is he who hides.

Why do you cry?
My heart is bitter.
Let God come forth to justify
himself now.

Why do you cry?
Is it Wehmut, ist dir weh? (is it nostalgia, is it you, pain?)
Weep then, yea
for the abomination of our old righteousness.

We have done wrong
many times;
but this time we begin to do right.

Weep then, weep
for the abomination of our old righteousness.
God will keep
hidden, he won't come forth.


_______


"AND OH--THAT THE MAN I AM MIGHT CEASE TO BE--"



No, now I wish the sunshine would stop.
and the white shining houses, and the gay red flowers on
the balconies
and the bluish mountains beyond, would be crushed out
between two valves of darkness;
the darkness falling, the darkness rising, with muffled
sound
obliterating everything.

I wish that whatever props up the walls of light
would fall, and darkness would come hurling heavily down,
and it would be thick black dark for ever.
Not sleep, which is grey with dreams,
nor death, which quivers with birth,
but heavy, sealing darkness, silence, all immovable.

What is sleep?
It goes over me, like a shadow over a hill,
but it does not alter me, nor help me.
And death would ache still, I am sure;
it would be lambent, uneasy.
I wish it would be completely dark everywhere,
inside me, and out, heavily dark
utterly.

______


INTIMATES.



Don't you care for my love? she said bitterly.

I handed her the mirror, and said:
Please address these questions to the proper person!
Please make all request to head-quarters!
In all matters of emotional importance
please approach the supreme authority direct!--
So I handed her the mirror.

And she would have broken it over my head,
but she caught sight of her own reflection
and that held her spellbound for two seconds
while I fled.


_____


TO WOMEN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED



The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feelings I don't have, I won't say I have.
The felings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we
neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty
sure they haven't got them
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
you'd better abandon all idea of feelings altogether.



_____



Eso es todo por hoy, nobodies.
refugio en las verdades a medias.